Mop-Up RAW 8.14.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
"The mop ups are alright. Its hit and miss with Hyattes jokes. Sometimes I'm laughing out loud others I'm making a face at how stupid it is. I personally would rather read a rant by Scott Keith."
TheMainevent... some guy on the 411 fan forum
What he doesn't know is... that's EXACTLY what I want.
If you don't laugh... then I WANT you to make a face at the screen off some putrid line. It's called a REACTION... how many other guys make you PHYSICALLY wince?
As far as that last sentence goes... n-word PLEASE.
You know that a "rant" SUPPOSED to mean someone who's pure RAGE on a subject gets them so agitated that they start wildly screaming incessantly on the topic, almost to the point of violence? That is a "rant".
Then Dennis Miller came along and turned the rant into a pseudo-intellectual lecture intended to inform, amuse and delight.
Now the web is FILLED with so-called "ranters"... none of whom come anywhere NEAR either of the possible definitions.
But... whatever floats your boat
I'm Chris and this is the Flop Sweat. Not really a lot on the table this week, so I'll slice through a couple of items and we'll get on with things.
You people never cease to amaze me. Last week, I commented that I was missing almost 50 Mop-Ups from the Old, Old place. Well, that week, a few people wrote to me and told me that they had a TON of my back columns on file somewhere, and would be happy to send them to me. Now, I have ALL those last remaining SCOOPS columns back in my hands... including the already historic "Millennium Mop-Up" that I was really bummed to see erased... I swear to you... even though I am the master at self-fellatio, it really stuns me whenever I get handed proof that this column actually means something to some people. I tell you, I would have quit a LOOONG time ago were it not for you readers.
So thanks go out to Greg Hazen, Danny Goodwin, and Steve Johnson... among others, for rocking my world.
So, thanks to these guys... this week's closer is a VERY special flashback to December of 1998... where I wrote a closer on Bob Ryder. The closer was CUT OUT a mere day later by Remy Artiega because it was deemed "personally offensive" to the subject. After a year and 8 months... almost to the DAY... I FINALLY get to re-post it. It's about Bob Ryder... and even though it will seem TAME today, at the end of '98, it cause a bit of controversy. That'll be at the end of the Nitro recap. It's not my BEST closer ever... but I'm STILL posting it, just to say F-you to the Slammer... who tried so hard to mold me into a more fitting image.
Speaking of Bob... he is currently "feuding" with Dave Meltzer. I guess the winner gets to be the "Grand Master of the Internet"... or something. Personally, I think they're both assholes. Grumpy old men who still can't get a handle on the fact that neither of them will EVER be the ONLY "Authority" on wrestling to the readers... so they take their frustrations out on each other. The funny thing is, they are so ego-maniacal that they refuse to acknowledge the existence of anyone OTHER than each other. It's really a trip watching these two "professional Journalists" fight it out.
One thing for sure... NO ONE needs a "magic calculator" to count the number of hairs on poor Bob's shiny head. All you need is ten fingers and ten toes, really.
Stupid Quote of the Week goes to Dave Scherer... who STILL likes to contradict himself each week by bitching about false news reported by "other sites"... yet routinely states that he is not in the business of commenting on "other sites" and acts above such pettiness.
Anyway: the Stupid Quote of the Week is: "I am really starting to wonder whether Goldberg was just a creation of the hype and outside of the "unbeatable monster" gimmick if he has much to offer."
Gee Dave... how'd you EVER come to that conclusion? Way to stay with the general consensus, buddy boy. Took you two years to figure that out?
Moving on... I went on Wrestleline this Monday and for a second, I thought I was at Rantsylvania. My heart, and deepest condolences go out to Chris Zimmerman, who I'm SURE saw the same thing and started banging his head against the nearest wall.
FINALLY... this week's "And Another Thing" is about Sting. It's something that's been bugging me for YEARS about the guy, as well as a LOT of other people... according to the e-mail I've thus far gotten. I can't figure out why nobody else thought to write about it. According to the e-mails, it's one of the best AAT's ever... and it's NOT the Mop-Up, so you douchebags who can't stand me because you can't handle a little salty language and lame jokes can read it and enjoy it. It's the best damn "pure wrestling" column on the web... maybe anywhere. I tell ya', every time I finish an "AAT", I sit back and gape at my hands like Bob Backlund used to do. Sometimes, I even amaze myself.
Oh, and also in the 411 columns section, Dave Gagnon re-posted a Bret Hart interview he and I did a year or so ago. It's funny as Hell, and is only a LITTLE dated. It still holds up. Check THAT out too.
Jeeze... all of the sudden, it's "Hyatte Week" here at 411. Well, God Dammit... it should be "HYATTE WEEK" EVERY FRIGGIN' WEEK!!!!!!!!
Well, I'm done. Time to get going. I realize that these personal opening notes mean so much to you as it gives you a "primer" for your week on the Net... but time moves on and so must I... recaps are what I do and I do them badly... but they are all we have aren't they? We and our miserable little lives... alone... lost... confused... trapped in an endless cycle of monotony and malaise... with no end in site. It's okay... you can cry... I can cry... let's all sob about our worthless lives where a recap filled with gay, sex, and gay sex jokes is the only sunlight allowed in our cloudy days. You are not alone, You. We're all in this together. One day, I WILL lead you to the promise land in Africa and I WILL give you a cup of Kool-Aid laced with a little "something special"... One day, we will ALL go to "Hyattetown" and Reverend Hyatte will LEAD US ALL to the "promise land"... FILLED with porn stars, free beer, and HDTV. God is expecting us, people... stay with me and we will ALL feast on the hearts of our enemies!!! Yes... yes...
Oh, and the Popcorn trick WILL be revealed in the Nitro recap. I plum forgot about it last week.
RAW IS WAR (or: No WONDER I smelled Fried Rice in the air all night)
-Last week I offered up my 17 year old BJ queen to anyone who can tell me what else "Don Johnson Productions" actually produces... one sad man actually researched and found the answers. Well, a promise is a promise. I'll send Amanda over sometime this week. I hope the lucky dude doesn't mind braces.
-WWF: One World.
-opening theme... we can BARELY hear the singer spout his reverse Satanical lyrics. LUCIFER FOR PREZ!!!
-typical opening fireworks.
-lots of signs
-HEY!!! They are in Providence! Rhode Island!! MY HOME STATE!!. I live only 20 minutes away!! (Us Rhodeyelandas estimate travel length by TIME and not MILES... we also are terribly insecure about other States. Oh, we are just an orifice waiting to be raped.)
-Without even looking... I will tell you right now... you WILL see at least 20 Homos wearing Tank Tops to show off their muscles.
- By the way... the TV show is NOTHING like the town it's named after and BJ Honeycutt does NOT have a Veterinarian Medical Practice here. Jamie Farr once stopped at a Pawtucket gas station for directions to Boston... but THAT'S IT!!
-Oh believe me... that Farr sighting was on ALL the news. Our Governor named a town after him.
-We have the BEST Italian food ANYWHERE (withinafivemileradiusofstateborders)
-One thing good about the State.. our Police know the LAW!! Last week, they WRESTLED a camera out of a Reporter's hands in front of her own Newspaper building because she actually shot a Gun man who went nuts at a Portugese Day Festival. They BRUTALLY tore it out of her hands! God Bless Martial Law.
-Damn cops... they show up at your house... find your woman out cold in bed with a splattered nose... find you drinking beers with bloody fists... and YOU'RE the bad guy?
-they go to live footage of WWF New York crowd. I promise you... I GUARANTEE... if they showed that on the Titan Tron... at least HALF of the Providence audience bragged to each other that they could take that New York audience out in a fight.
-Vinnie Paz is our PERFECT representitive. He talks a LOT of trash... beats a LOT of Losers... then gets his ass WHIPPED by Roy Jones Jr.
-Ever hear of Brad Faxon? To YOU, he's a lower level Pro Golfer you MAY have heard of. To us, he's a STAR!!!
-They go RIGHT TO...
-Video package dealing with last week... a well PRODUCED video package. Never saw that placement before.
-Kurt Angle comes out. If HE was from Rhode island, we'd have a statue erected in his honor... paid for by my tax money. A-Hole.
-Angle enters the ring. Ross quickly runs down the night's card... it could be two hours of Crash Holly hand washing his socks and it would still beat Nitro.
-Angle grabs the mic and says "First of all"... then FARTS!!!! A BOOMER too!!! HA!!!
-Angle says that as a representitive of ALL 50 states... it's a pleasure to be here in Rhode Island. Crowd pops... he rolls his eyes.
-Angle says that "America might see us as that 'insignificant, nothing state', but I don't" (yeah... like we can't take out EITHER ONE of the Dakotas!!)
-Ross AGREED!!! Aww Jimbo. Why?
-speaking of insignificant... (ANOTHER Fart!!!)... he said that what Hunter did to him on Smackdown was "anything BUT insignificant" (AND ANOTHER ONE!!! This one sounds like it had a little something extra behind it)
-The HELL is this boy eating?
-Oh... it was a bullhorn. Some Rhode Islander looking for attention. Imagine that?
-He said what Hunter did was "cowardly, gutless, and just plain WRONG"... (Hunter was on the OJ Jury?)
-In fact, what Hunter did reminded him of someone he once met during his Olympic days... Tonya Harding!! (wow... are they dusting off old scripts?)
-Like Harding, HHH does not possess one iota of integrity. What HHH did to him, was the exact equivalent of what Tonya Harding did to poor Nancy Kerrigan! WHOA... when did HHH marry a Guy?
-What I remember most about Tonya was how delighted she was with herself when she wore a shirt saying "NO COMMENT". If you EVER have any doubts as to what White Trash is all about, think on that moment.
-Just like Nancy Kerrigan, Angle asks himself, "Why me? Why me, Hunter? Then he proceeded to goof on Disneyland and ruin a 2 million endorsement deal.
-HHH never liked Angle. He tried to wreck his undefeated streak. He never gave him a title shot. Angle said HHH was filled with "pure, unbridled, jealousy" (Hunter comes from Rhode Island TOO?)
-The fact is, in nine months, Angle has accomplished what Hunter needed YEARS to accomplish. (and to think, they spend MONTHS figuring out what to do with him after hiring him.)
-In nine short months, he's won titles, he's won tournements, and the accolades goes on and on and on... (err... no they don't.)
-In Hunter's first 9 months (as I lazily slip from spelling out the numbers to just using the #s themselves)... Hunter was involved in Hog Pen matches or some.. stuff like that (He WOULD have mentioned jobbing to the Warrior... but no one wants to read a 40'000 page essay on his web site about how this is all a subtle attempt to get him back into the company. Well, I do... because the Warrior in full spout-off mode RULES!!!!)
-It bouils down to this... HHH is a "bitter, jealous man" (My BROTHAA!!), and he feels sorry, for poor Stephanie, his FRIEND... for being saddled with such a loser (yeah but... he's got a SNAKE!!! A SNAKE!!!!! So let's not shed TOO many tears for Stephanie)
-Finally, HHH comes running out. He tears off his shirt to show he is REALLY angry (He IS a Rhode Islander!!!!).
-He hits the ring and they are about to go at it when...
-Shane flies out and blocks them. He hops on the mic and hits us with both barrels of "HEYHEYHEY WHOAWHOAWHOA HEYHEYWHOAHWOA"
-He says this tension is killing Stephanie... and all this bickering has gotten Stephanie ALMOST chokeslammed and DEFINITELY Rock Bottomed (something so SINISTER about that phrase).
-Shane told HHH that he KNOWS better than to leave his tag partner stranded. Yeah!! This ain't Gilligan's Island, Mother Effer!!!
-Allow me to do my Skipper impression...
-a-hem
-*cough*
-"OOP"
-oh thank you... please, sit down... too kind, too kind
-Shane told Kurt that he shouldn't have called HHH a "loser".
-Shane sez that both guys have their own qualities and Stephanie is smart enough not to... oh... oh Lord... I just don't know... it never friggin' ends.
-Shane wants to get back to FOCUS... the ROCK... the WWF champioship... SUMMERSLAM... Focus on learning how to fight Austin while never laying an actual hand on his fragile body, since he's coming back in a couple of months.
-Mick Foley came out. He shook hands with the crowd. Again... I promise you... I GUARANTEE... if they showed that on the Titan Tron... at least HALF of the Providence audience bragged to each other that they could kick Foley's ass in a street fight.
-Mick entered the ring and told Shane that he admired the way Shane pulled the family back together... the only thing he could compare it to was when Michael and Hope Steadman were having Marital problems, but they put it aside to help out Eliot because they knew that Nancy was stricken...
-Angle, "With Ovarian Cancer!"
-Foley, "Ovarian Cancer, that's the one!"
-Lawler pointed out that they were discussing "Thirty Something".
-Can't say I knew the show... my God.. the WWF throws an 80's reference back in MY face and I MISS IT????? I am such a CHOKE ARTIST!!!!!!!!
-WAITWAIT WAIT... wasn't that the show where that feminine swishy guy got hit with a car while on his bike?
-Oh right... right... and Polly Draper was a real babe! She looked exactly like my first real love Total slut bag who wouldn't TOUCH me. I left a dead Rat in her mailbox. Her Grandmother found it and dropped dead. THAT showed her!
-Oh you people have no CLUE the depths I will go... my past Online deeds barely scratch the surface. I scare myself at the level of joy I take in other people's sorrow.
-Once I saw someone get hit in the face with a line drive during a Little League game... I laughed for an HOUR!!!! Noting funnier than an Infant catching a 90 mph hunk of Rawhide in the mush right in the stroller.
-Once my Father's chair collapsed under his as he leaned back while the cable guy was installing our system. The Sumbitch wiped out and his head landed in the dog dish FILLED with Alpo. It took EVERY FIBER, MUSCLE AND OUNCE OF WILL I had to hold the laughter in. It strained so hard I actually popped a vessel on my forehead. Had headaches for a WEEK afterwards.
-Mick decided that HHH and Kurt nagle SHOULD join forces to take on the Rock... and he's going to make this happen RIGHT here in Providence, Rhode Island (Pop.. no thumbs up. Oh, we took notice at that affront. How come OTHER towns get a thumb, but WE don't? Oh... he'll pay! He'll pay!! That no good "azzhole"... I SWEAR... WE ARE LIKE THIS!!!)
-no he won't. Rhode Islanders are essentially pussies too. We won't do diddly squish.
-HHH and Angle will fight the Dudley Boys... and the ROCK!!!
-Shane protested that's not FAIR Mick!!!
-Mick said that he has a partner for them... SHANE!!!
-Mick, not wanting to hear any more "Oh you left me, no YOU left ME" promos again... laid down the stip, If ANY ONE of these guys walk, the automatically forfeit their Summerslam shot
-Mick wished them a nice day, then left. HHH was left doing what HHH ALWAYS does as of late... he sneered at the injustice of it all.
-Backstage, Chris Benoit has arrived. He goes to the VISITORS LOCKER ROOM (WHAT?? As if ANYONE visits Rhode Island) and knocks on it.
-The door opens, and Chris Jericho charges out and attacks Benoit. See, now if Tank and Goldberg did THIS!! MAYBE WE'D BUY THE SHOOT!!
-Yes, if Benoit opened the door and saw Tank and Goldberg throwing shots on RAW... by God, the Internet would be thrown into a TAILSPIN!!
-Jericho was dragged away. Benoit was left curled in a Fetal position.
-"Highlander: Endgame" is in theaters soon... I guess we can officially call the Summer Movie season OVER!!!
-Backstage, Shane McMahon tries to calm down a FURIOUS Chris Benoit. Benoit is SO mad he RIPS his shirt off (ONCE again... I PROMISE you.. some fat slob in that Rhode Island audience just LOUDLY announced that Benoit "ain't got shit")
-Kai and Tai enter the APA "Office". This is a risky move because they just recently bounced a bad check to the APA.
-Bradshaw saw them and called them a pair of idiots. Kai sez that he wasnts to "make out" with him. Bradshaw says, "WHAT??"
-Faarooq says that it sounds like they want to kiss him, with TONGUE. Bradshaw's about to whoop ass..
-Taka assures him that tyhey just want to "make up" with them with money and lots of beer. They want to take them to a Pub and get kaka faced. The Acolytes weren't about to argue.
-It's back to the Friendly Tap... WALKING distance from my place. Lord, I HOPE we don't get anther clown calling Faarooq "darky" again.
-Eddie Guerrero and Chyna comes out... STILL the phoniest "couple" in all of rasslin'
-and yes, most of the Rhode Island audience is now bragging that if THEY got it on with Chyna, "she wouldn't know what hit her"... this is followed by high fives.
-Steve Darkyman (DAMN my Rhode Island upbringing) BLACKMAN comes out.
-T & A come out with Trish Stratus. NOBODY in the audience talked about banging her. We like our women masculine.
-We're all homos.
-Kill me now. Please.
-It's a tag team match because of footage from last week.
-Uh-dee got tuned on. I just notice that Albert grunts and groans more than Patterson sitting on top of a flag pole.
-Thus ends my obligatory PATTERSON JOKE OF THE WEEK!!! THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!!!
-Quick match here. Blackman was tagged in and cleaned house. Eddie hit Test with a Missile Dropkick. Blackman pinned test. Albert ran in with a kendo stick and nauiled Blackman, Blackman rolled on his back. Test pinned him. T & A won.
-Outside, Stephanie McMahon poulls up in her Limo. Kurt Angle was waiting for her with an umbrella. Angle politely gave her the umbrella whilst he retrieved her bag from the trunk. Steph said thank you. Kurt said that is what friends are for, then kissed her on the cheek. (Crowd screams, "PUSSY!!!!" Crowd splits up into groups and debates how long it would take to get Steph in the sack. General consensus... 10 minutes)
-HHH saw all this and was FUMING... he storms out.
-Summerslam promo... I can barely make out the words.
-commercials
-moments ago, Angle is getting ballsy with the Princess
-Now the Princess is strolling down a hall, saying hello to everyone she passes (Oh THAT'S for the camera and YOU KNOW IT!!!!)
-Everyobody turns around as she passes... obviously shocked that her Highness actually acknowledged them.
-HHH shows up and mouths off about what a load this Angle is. He berates her.
-Steph BADLY tries to call up the water works as she suggests that maybe she shouldn't be there tonight. HHH says maybe she SHOULDN'T. (suddenly, I have a newfound respect for the acting chops of one Steven Nichols... BRING BACK PATCH AND KAYLA DAMMIT!!!!! BRING THAT ONE EYED BASTARD BACK TO DAYTIME TV!!!!!!)
-The Right to Censorship (now that's just a STUPID name) come out. We see how the Goodfather put a Hoowah through a table.
-We also see that Hoowah promising to SUE!! Better pay off the Judge if you want to try to Rhode Island legal system.
-Steven Richards gets on the mic and warn the people that the RTC and "other groups" care about our children... the know what's BEST for our children (where was this prick 20 years ago when I could have USED him?).
-Ross got steamed, "I know what's best for MY kids, pal!!!!!" (and if his kids don't agree with him, Good Ol' Jr has a wood paddle with their NAME on it, by God!!!)
-and if the WWF AND Hollywood does NOT "clean up it's act"... the RTC certainly WILL. (why bring up Hulk Hogan's name unless... my God in Hell... you are SHITTING me!!)
-Until Laws our passed to help their cause, the RTC will CONTINUE to fight the good fight...
-which is why the RTC has challenged such ne'er do wells such as the Hardy Boyz and Lita... whose actions and attire, the youth of America will emulate.
-we see a close, tighht shot of Lita's latest habit... that being letting her pants hang down to display her thing.. err, I mean thong.
-The Hardy Boyz come out with Lita. Jeeze... those shirts ARE awfully tight... awfully... hmm... *slurp* yummEE
-The fight is ON!!
-It's 3 vs 2. How come Stevie never works?
-Matt uses lightening speed and... err... lightening quickness (damn my small vocabulary) to outfox the Goodfather and Bull Buchanon.
-He tags in Jeff. Jeff runs at Bull. Bull ducks. Jeff sees him ducking and says "Well by God I'm going to beat the everloving shit out of the air above him anyway", and swings. Take THAT, oxygen!
-Bull picks him up and dumps him clean out of the ring.
-They go at it a bit. Jeff gets is typical beat down.
-He launches at Bull from the top rope to the outside. He hits Bull. Bull thinks it over, and decides to sell the move.
-Lita tags herself in. She climbs mid-way up the ropes, then turns her head and sticks her ass out and hold it there. Well, she IS Mexican, you know!
-Moonsault on the Goodfather... she BARELY touched him. Too busy shaking her arse.
-She mounts the top rope again, this time she leaps at Bull on the outside. Bull got a mouthfull of titty.
-She gets up just in time to eat a Superkick from Stevie. Ross, of course, points out the hypocracy, but casually ignores the fact that when WCVW was on top and taking shots, he whined like a fat kid in Gym class... but now that the roles are reversed, he FIRES AWAY!!!!
-Lita is rolled back in. The Goodfather (a mythical creature if there ever WAS one) gives her a NASTY Shoulder breaker. Lita is pinned.
-The Hardyz fight with RTC outside. Edge and Christian run out and get on either side of Lita, chairs at the ready.
-Matt hardy dives in and makes a THRILLING save. E & C bang chairs together.
-Matt pays for his nobility. He takes a Spinning Downard Spiral Staircase on a chair. (It's my column and I'll call it whatever I damn well WANT!!!)
-E & C leave.
-We leave too, right to the "Friendly Tap". The Biggest Irony of them all. Here I am... the Internet Hooligan... with Wrestling's (possibly) most popular hangout spot a mere TWO MILES from my house... and I REFUSE to go over!
-Why? What am I going to do there? GAPE AT THEM LIKE A MARK??? Ask them if they heard of me? Oh PLEASE!
-by the way, from here on out, these "-"s will now be called "Marks". I asked for suggestions, and Twitmare (oy) gave me the best one.
-They are called "Marks" because A: There are a LOT of them B: They represent stupidity and C: Internet readers are annoyed by the high number of them.
-Anyway, at the "Tap", Taka suggests "saki" Bradshaw hears "sucky" and is about to celan house. Faarooq explains that Saki is a nice rice wine that's served warm. Bradshaw ain't having anything warm or sucky and ordered more beer and "Kamikazis" for the 'rentals.
-HEY!!! I KNOW THAT DUDE IN THE BACK!!! Bitch owes me ten bucks!
-back to Providence, Stephanie must have taken the long way around the huilding because she is just coming to her car. Shane catches her and tries to get her to stick around. Steph refuses. Steph takes off.
-footage of the whole deal we just saw with Lita, E, C, R, T, and C
-Edge and Christian come to the ring and say that they have been treated unfairly by the actions of the Hardyz, the Dudleys, and especially... that Mick Foley. He offers proof. Sush proof can be found in video footage featuring action form Smacksdown where E & C were TUNED on with various degrees of weaponary by the Boyz and the Boys.
-back to Edge, who asks what does Mick Foley DO about this abuse? Well, much like the "people from this City do with their lives... NOTHING" (WOW... pegged us to a TEE)
-Foley just sat back, ate Cotton Candy, and scratched himself while they were treated to such "heinousity"
-Chris Stain got on the mic and said that they ain't leaving the ring until they get a big bowl of Justice Soup! And if they DON'T get Justice Soup, there will be MAJOR repercussions.
-Out came Sticky Balls Foley (ever try eating Cotton candy and scratching yourself? You'll end up with sticky balls too, amigo)
-Foley says that after all their actions against various WWF superstars (when did they beat up Malenko?), he's is going to reward them by NOT allowing either the Dudleys OR the Hardyz to interfere in their Summerslam Match.
-E & C were happy. Foley asked for, and received a long distance High Five.
-Ack... that bastard Foley had a catch. The Dudleys and the Hardyz can not innerfear because they will be Three Waying with Edge and Christian. Mick called it a "TLC Match" TLC standing for "Tables and Ladders and Chairs"
-HHH and Shane move things along. HHH bitches and Shane tries to calm him down.
-The Undertaker roars in on his Bike.
-We roar into some...
-commercials
-Outside the Providence Civic Center Ross and Lawler kiss the ass of their remaining sponsers.
-Shane tells E & C to go home and that he'll take care of Foley as it pertains to his Summerslam tag team booking. For right now though, he has to tend to Benoit's match.
-The Undertaker comes to the ring. He parks his bike and enters the ring.
-Benoit marches to the ring with Shane.
-Shane distracts UT while Benoit sneaks up from behind.
-I have like... a half an hour to do this whole show. It happens sometimes.
-In fact... you may stop here and jump to the Nitro recap. I'm all business from here on out. fast, down dirty.. there will be NO MORE wasting time on nonsense and bullcrap while I ignore the match. Yes dammit.. from here on out in the RAW recap, I am phoning in my performance. Let's face it. I wasn't kicking ass this week anyway. Suck-o city baby. So... for the rest of the recap.. damn near haldf of it.. I am in soluid cruise control. Since you winey little babies are always bitching about the length anyway.. I give you a free pass to cut things short and jump to Nitro. Or don't. Go away. F-you. Think you're better than me? You're NOT!
-okay... time to fly.. I mean it... you read at your own risk.. don't say I didn't warn you...
-*GASP*
-Benoit and UT go at it like crazy. Bothmen know the value of throwing intense blows
-UT KNOWS how to work, so long as his opponent can carry his share... which Benoit can
-Benoit dropkicks the knee and follows up with a flying headbutt. UT kicks out.
-UT goes for the chokeslam, Bneoit kicks him. Later, he tries again. Shane is out with that flying chairshot. The Bell rings. The double team him. Benoit with the crossface. Kane is out. Benoit and Shane are chased away. Kane helps UT up. Kane grabs him by the neck and chokeslams him into the mat. UT goes through the ring... sort of. Meanwhile, can we ALL agree that TBS is a bomb out here in Titan-land?
-Kane takes off with UT's bike.
-commercials
-Michael Cole is at the Democratic National Convention and reminds us that the WWF has yet to take ANY side yet, in short... they are still for sale. Brings a patriotic tear to your eye, doesn't it?
-UT is refusing medical treatment, but is muttering UnHoly revenge against Kane.
-Shane grabs Kurt Angle and says to back off against the Princess. Kurt is shocked at the allegations.
-At the "Tap" a pair of yokels go up to them and say they are ready to kick some "Jap" ass. (oh BROTHER!!!) No, that is NOT me.
-Daddy?
-The Refs are fixing the ring.
-footage of what just happened with Kane. Ross asks why? WHY, KING?
-commercials
-we see that Lawler had to leave during the spots because there is SO much heat betweeen him and Tazz.
-Tazz came out. Ross kissed ass as best as he can. Tazz wasn't having any of it. He matrched to Ross and called him numb face.
-Crash Holly comes out. He attacks Tazz while his attention was on Ross.
-Tazz wins easily... sure, when the HC belt isn't up, Tazz rules.
-Tazz is bac to Ross and takes off his cowboy hat. Ross gets up. Tazz knocks him down. Lawler runs out. It's on. The Refs run out. It's off. I told you it'll be quick here.
-Can't we have ONE STUPID LAWLER IN RING "SHOOT" SPEECH???
-Backstage, Angle is talking to himself about his virtue. Joe pappy comes out and tells him that someone wants to see him outside.
-commercials
-Ross finally thanks Lawler for saving his fat ass.
-DX come out. Road Dogg does his thing.
-Rikishi comes out. It's handicapped rules.
-Well, this served to get Rikishi's ass in Road Dogg's face so X-Pac can laugh at him. Then DX won... X-pac always wins... except for those times when he loses.
-Too Cool run out to clean house and dance.
-Michael Cole talks to Linda McMahon. Linda says that 10'000 people have registered to vote via the WWF. This year, expect a LOT of votes for Mick Foley. hell, he might even win the damn thing.
-Joe tells HHH the same thing he told Kurt Angle
-commercials
-TV Guide is running one of those ultra cheesy things where you can buy four editions of the exact same magazine just for the covers. They don't make enough money being the second most popular mag on the planet. (name the first one... I dare you)
-Chris Jericho is out for a IC title shot.
-Val Venis is out for a IC title defense!! (what luck!)
-They fight until Chris Benoit comes out for a little vengence.
-Benoit resists the Officials and does a new variation of the Crossface that involves wrapping the leg.
-Are you still there? GO AWAY!!!!
-HHH and Kurt meet each other outside and start bitching. They almost come to blows when...
-A Limo pulls up between them. Who, what, when, why, and How?
-commercials
-At That Tap... a drunk Kaintai end up getting wasted by the Acolytes. Bradsahw was puked on, too.
-Al Snow was at WWF New York.
-HHH and Angle step out of the limo... so does VINCE MCMAHON!!! Vince lectures them on how to treat his daughter. Nice little cameo... but that was it.
-commercials
-Out comes Angle
-Shane comes out
-Comes HHH out
-Out the Dudleys come
-Rocky out comes
-High speed match here... very little stalled action. Everyone moved. Very fluid.
-Really, it didn't take long for the Dudley's to set up a table.
-Rocky was beating on Kurt in the corner. Shane comes up from behind and clotheslines him. Rocky no sells it. Rocky grabs Shane and throws him over the top ropes. The Dudleys grabs Shane and set him up on the table.
-Edge and Christain come out, obviously remembering that they were hell and back from "home" and chair the Dudleys out cold.
-Rocky fought a while, but eventually ate a Pedigree and took a 3 man stomping.
-The show ended with Shane's uneasy pair in triumph.
If anyone is still there.. the columns over. I apologize. I F-ed up. At least I admit it. HEY!!! I USUALLY LABOR OVER EVERY DETAIL!!! GIVE ME A BREAK!!
Nitro is a better recap. I did it first so I was at full energy.
Shit... I don't even have time to check for typos.
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